more like #nomakeupselfiSH, amirite?

I’ve been meaning to cure cancer for a while. Breast-cancer in particular, because if we didn’t have boobies, men would be sad and there’s nothing we hate more than sad men. Remember International Women’s Day? So many men were so sad and it made it very, very hard to masturbate with the vibrating pieces of plastic we’ve replaced them all with.

Whilst attempting to cure breast-cancer, I have also been attempting to watch all ten (!) seasons of Grey’s Anatomy. Not because it’s good. Trust me. Not. Because. It’s. Good. But because I am curious to what they are going to do when each doctor runs out of family members that can either die or fuck the other doctors’ love interests. And when will McDreamy realise that Meredith is a boring brat? And when will Sloan start taking off his shirt more? Diagnose me, Sloan. Diagnose me.

Watching terrible TV has gotten in the way of curing cancer. So when #nomakeupselfie became a thing, I was on it! ON IT LIKE CALLIE ON GEORGE IN SEASON FOUR! I posted a picture of me not wearing make-up. Phew. That was close. And just to make sure, I double-checked my boobs. I do that often, but I have no idea what I’m searching for. Lumps? They are lumps. Anything unusual? They’re big weird meat-lumps in the middle of my chest-area. They seem quite unusual already.

No one told me I was brave for posting a picture of myself not wearing make-up. I was disappointed. I barely got a thank-you for attempting to cure a dangerous disease. Ungrateful bastards, I thought. That night I went out without make-up on. YEAH, LIKE A FREAKIN’ HERO. Take that, girls-with-low-self-esteem. No biggie. No. Biggie.

The world was my oyster. I had cured breast-cancer in one morning, by posting the picture. Going out without make-up surely must have cured lung-cancer too or at the very LEAST testicular cancer (the worst one of them all! No testicals means no kids OR NO TEABAGGING!).

“What’s next?” a bitter voice sounded, “To raise awareness for stomach-cancer, we all post pictures of our bare stomachs?”

Heart drop. CODE BLUE. Page Doctor Burke. Yes, I know they fired him from the show because he was a homophobe, but he’s a better doctor than Doctor Hahn. What, with her being a WOMAN and all. If showing my stomach to the world meant that I would for definite cure all kinds of cancer, AIDS and the flu, I would still have a good and long think about it. A good and long think.

When I was 16, I hated every single part of my body. I’m 25 now and I’ve learned to really love most of it. I mean, I am almost angry that I can’t look at my legs, thighs and ass as much I would like to. It has taken me a while, but my face is freakin’ awesome. My boobs are good boobs because they are boobs and they are mine. You can quote me on that. They are there, they’re doing their job (attracting unwanted male attention) and eventually they’re going to make someone very happy (a man, not a baby. Ever.). I’m fine with my arms – there was a time where I would NEVER show my arms, not even the un-wobbly part, because I have dark hairs on them. Then I met a kick-ass teacher who always wore tank-tops and she yelled at me, “Do you think I’M disgusting because of my hairy arms?!” and I only thought she was cool. So I started showing my arms.

I have even learned to live with my huge feet.

But the stomach. Oh.

I started noticing that men who were sexually interested in me, had a tendency to touch it. They would just place a hand on it. Just like that. Like they wanted my fat-baby to kick or something. Like they were testing it before taking it for a ride, like men who kick car-tires do. It was terrifying. I’ve learned to take it as a compliment, even though my insides curl up into a little ball and press against my heart. Every time.

One day I’ll do a #noshirtonstomachselfie. And that will be the day I have won. Because I have never had a man tell me, that he didn’t find me attractive because of my stomach. My fat, sure. But my fat is everywhere – ass, boobs, chins. But it has never been the stomach alone. It does not deserve this hatred. I have been taught to hate my stomach by women’s magazines, commercials, MTV, Weight Watchers, fitness centres, movies and so far, five seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, where the token plus sized women are pear-shaped (If you don’t know what pear-shaped means, good. Live in happy ignorance of that little pearl of knowledge.) or dying because of a large-ass tumor in their stomachs.

So many have declared war on the beauty industry recently. Or maybe I have just started noticing it now. Either way, it’s happening. Poetry slammers, comedians, models, actors, websites, musicians. On Twitter, Instagram, blogs, Tumblr, Facebook, Vine. Women (and men) are getting stronger and tougher and dare to speak up. We are now posting our gorgeous make-up-less photos on the internet. Fat men and women are posting beautiful pictures of themselves naked. Disabled people are taking over the catwalks. LGBTTIQQ2SA people are claiming their rights to be represented. It’s inspiring.

So really, not only have we just cured all cancer, we’ve taken quite a bit step. Another big step. Martin Mor said it. Angela Barnes said it. That maybe one day, #nomakeupselfie will be nothing but a Wikipedia-page about this weird point in time, where women thought smearing chemicals all over their faces was essential for going outside. And that there were people for whom just the thought of showing a part of their body would result in cardiac arrest. There was a time where a bunch of old men in suits ran this beauty industry that was basically killing people all over, by the weapon of self-hatred.

There was a time when Derek still thought Meredith was awesome, when Alex still hadn’t dealt with his mommy issues, when George and Issie still hadn’t found each other and most importantly, there was a time where “cancer” was a thing. That, of course, was before Sofie Hagen cured it by posting an awesome photo of herself online – with loads and loads of filter, of course. No one’s THAT confident, that they’d post it without filter.

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